Partners in Healthy Relationships Recognize This Key Truth:

You both breathe the same 'relational' air.

You and your partner are part of a biosphere - an ecological system that cycles nutrients, water, and energy with all life within it. If you are in a relationship, you are living within a relational biosphere. What does this mean? It means that partners are not separate from, but instead part of, the system they live within. Let's get a little more concrete.

Most of the couples who come to see me for couples therapy are seeking help because there are breakdowns in the health of the relationship. The chemistry and intensity that couples often experience in the first months/years may have faded. Partner A's tendency toward forgetfulness, a quirk that used to seem charming in the early days is now downright annoying. Partner B's 'Type A' personality, which was helpful in keeping things organized when the kids were in the house, now feels like obsessive micromanaging. Instead of daring to rock the boat and confront their partner in a direct, caring manner, individuals in a relationship may adopt some behaviors that pollute the very biosphere they are living in. These behaviors might feel good for a time - we may tell ourselves "it serves him right" or "what does she expect?". However, it's not long before we start feeling the effects of the pollutants we are putting into the air.

Polluting behaviors such as a need to be right, resentment, retaliation, criticism, and withholding/distancing are some of the most common behaviors that people resort to when they are frustrated with how things are going in a relationship. The problem? Well, when you leak those things out into the biosphere of your relationship, you end up breathing in that toxic air. If you turn towards criticism, your partner is likely to to feel attacked and unheard and you may find that over time they become defensive and shutdown. Often, when we engage in these behaviors we find that safety, trust, and communication erode. Your partner becomes your opponent instead of your teammate.

In couples counseling, I often talk about the concept of enlightened self-interest. Essentially, this means that since we live in a relational biosphere, it is in our interest to take seriously the needs and requests of those we are in relationship with. In the short and long term, being mindful of the well-being of our partner benefits us. Enlightened self-interest recognizes that the relationship is a shared environment. If one person wins and one loses, the relationship loses.

A healthy relational biosphere is built through daily acts of generosity, communication, and appreciation. Start investing in the health of your biosphere knowing that what you put into the relationship will come back to you.

Best,

-Zoë

Not sure how to shift long-standing patterns that are keeping you stuck? Know that you have a toxic relational biosphere and need help getting back on the same team as your partner? Contact me to learn more about couples/relationship counseling. In-person sessions available at my office in Sauk Prairie. Telehealth options for couples/relationships located in the State of Wisconsin.